Conspiracy Theories
by Maelynn Meep
Summary: For all those Lemony Snicket lovers. The miserable tales of Lemony Snicket. SLIGHT romance.
1. Prologue

**Conspiracy Theories**

_By Tuba321_

**A/N:** This is for A Series of Unfortunate Events. I love the series. In the main plot my favorite character would be Klaus. But in the long run of ASOUE I _love_ the ramblings of Lemony Snicket. So this is dedicated to him. I call this the miserable tales of Lemony Snicket.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the rights to ASOUE. But I have the rights to write about it. So, this would be me: Having the rights to write within my own rights.

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**PrOLoGuE**

**T**he definition of a word usually ends up to mean the same thing no matter who says it. For instance if you said "hog" in a sentence most people would usually use it in a sentence which either means "a big hairy pig" or "one who never shares". These definitions are due to the multiple use of a word or multiple definition. Though most people don't know this the multiple usage of a word is due to a schism that, long ago, had to do with two parties. One party wanted to keep to one definition and not be confused. While the other, wanted to add variety to the list of definitions and not add more words.

A schism over a word tends to be rare. Not many people in life wake up and say "I want to start a fight over words." But, schisms happen many times on the account of the definition of a person. For instance, in my family my two brothers have a schism over the definition of the person Lemony Snicket. One says that he doesn't deserve to life and should die by fire, drowning, harpoon, or a nasty head cold. The other says that he is noble and should life long and prosper. Though everyone is sure that he is either dead and if not, not prospering.

Well, I'm not everyone. I'm a librarian. I understand that Lemony Snicket is out there somewhere. Most likely in the hopes of being set free, stopped being chased, or be proven innocent. I'm sorry to say that that has not happened yet to ,in my opinion, a noble and innocent person. I only write this to you in the hopes of it being shown to the authorities, associates, and certain bankers in a plea that just _might_ get Lemony Snicket to not be feared or afraid.

So, this is his story. The story of love, loss, evil, good, and great fires. And the asking of one question that change and end lives.

_"Do you smell smoke?"_

**TBC...**

**A/N:** Well there's the prologue. I plan to add on. By the way this is _not _written by Lemony Snicket. Someone else is writing about him. Just saying... REVIEW!!!


	2. Chapter One

**Conspiracy Theories**

_By Tuba321_

**A/N:** This is for A Series of Unfortunate Events. I love the series. In the main plot my favorite character would be Klaus. But in the long run of ASOUE I _love_ the ramblings of Lemony Snicket. So this is dedicated to him. I call this the miserable tales of Lemony Snicket.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the rights to ASOUE. But I have the rights to write about it. So, this would be me: Having the rights to write within my own rights.

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**CHaPteR oNe**

**L**emony Snicket wasn't in the greatest of moods. He was a writer, a reader, and a master escape artist. Or, at least, that's what everyone said. For, he wrote quite a lot in his commonplace book and owned about five type writers. He read a great many of books for, he spent many hours in the library. No one is sure about him being an escape artist. Every fire he helped out with everybody came out coughing and had not gone in to far. While Lemony always headed straight into the fire and came out every time unharmed and free of wheezing or coughing. The other volunteers helping in the fire had asked him if he was a master of escape, but, he shrugged and said that he was fortunate. He doesn't say any longer.

The reason for one of the worst of moods was simple: Esme-- Oh wait... Sorry, my research can't find her maiden name. Anyway, her being the reason because she had come in to the library in V.F.D. and was apparently littering the place. Littering meaning, "making places look bad by throwing stuff everywhere".

A book hit Lemony Snicket on the head. Having been thrown across the room and it being a hardback the impact had quite hurt. He looked at the book that had hit him. _Romona Quimby Age 8_. Rubbing his head, Lemony looked to the source of the thrown book.

Esme was over in the section between the books on real-life poems and real-life photographs, throwing every book that she looked at on the floor or anywhere else. Occasionally hitting the wall, a book shelf, or a priceless piece of glass art.

Another book hit him. This time in the nose. "OW!" he said, dropping his book on how to escape floods and placing his hands over his nose to check for unwanted injuries.

Esme noticed this and looked at him. "Ruining peoples' moods is not in." She stated simply and went back to throwing books.

"Is throwing books at peoples' heads in?" Asked Lemony, standing up.

Esme shook her head and held up the first and only book she hadn't thrown. "No. But, plays are in!"

"Plays?"

If you have ever heard the phrase "threw the book" or "throw the book" you must know that it is usually not taken literally. The phrase throw the book basically means to "go and tell people what they did wrong and punish them for it" or "blaming innocent people and punishing them anyway". But, I'm sorry to say that Esme doesn't know the meaning of the word phrase and takes them quite literally.

Esme threw the book at Lemony. He caught it just before it hit his face again. He looked at the title and stared. The phrase had been used in V.F.D. since the beginning. A code, a message, a phrase, and a motto. "_The World is Quite Here_?" He looked at her shocked. "You are reading the script to _The World is Quite Here_?"

"_I'm_ going to be in the play." She replied as if it was obvious. "My acting teacher has me in a great many plays. _He_ says I'm superb."

He shook his head. This wasn't out of disbelief. This was because he had a job in the _Daily Punctilio_ as a critic of the performing arts. It was also because of her use of the word superb. Superb would mean "excellent and great" while Esme's performances did not match that description.

In some cases of conversation, one must drop the book and walk away. And depending on the situation run away. Well, Lemony, deciding that he didn't want to continue that conversation much further, handed the book to Esme, picked up his book on escaping floods, and walked out the door. Not looking back.

In doing so he failed to notice the look that Esme gave him. An evil glare practically screaming "He'll pay for that. Oh, he'll pay." And then some sinister laughter.

**TBC...**

**A/N:** _Slightly_ cliffy. Sort of short... Oh yeah, that was a semi spoiler for _The Unauthorized Autobiography_. It all goes downhill from here. Reviews would be nice... so would ice cream...


	3. Chapter Two

**Conspiracy Theories**

_By Tuba321_

**A/N:** This is for A Series of Unfortunate Events. I love the series. In the main plot my favorite character would be Klaus. But in the long run of ASOUE I _love_ the ramblings of Lemony Snicket. So this is dedicated to him. I call this the miserable tales of Lemony Snicket.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the rights to ASOUE. But I have the rights to write about it. So, this would be me: Having the rights to write within my own rights.

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**CHaPteR TwO**

**W**hen one goes somewhere to be entertained, he or she usually invites a guest to go with them for two reasons. One, being that you might end up in a boring entertainment activity and you need someone to talk to while the boring parts are taking place. Second, is if you are a terrible and rude person. Going to a rather good play, film, or tea party and talking with that person to annoy others around you.

For _both_ these two reasons, if you worked at the _Daily Punctilio_ reviewing the works in theater, you were allowed to bring one guest. The editor and chief said that she allowed it because if you wanted to get an idea you must have other opinions before yours goes public. Fortunately, that was the only smart thing she did or said.

The Editor and Chief of the _Daily Punctilio _sat in her office. Her name was Eleanora Poe. If you have read Mr. Snicket's books then you should know that she was related to that idiotic banker that would soon be the care taker of the Baudelaire fortune.

A knock came on her office door. She sighed. Not many of her workers knocked on the door before entering. Though polite, Eleanora found it annoying. "Come in." She called.

A man in a trench coat and a brown detective-looking hat came in. He looked around the office and looked at her. "I need the tickets for _The World is Quiet Here_ tonight." He said.

Eleanora nodded and looked through the drawers of her desk. "Yes. Right. So Mr. Snicket, who are you bringing this time?"

"My brother, Jacques."

"Oh, really." She said. They were in her drawer somewhere... She moved on to the next drawer and there they were, on top of a pile of toothpicks and old magazines. The tickets read _The World is Quiet Here_ in fancy type. Under that was the picture of an eye. Why, she did not know. But, she did notice the name under the eye. Esme Squalor. "Oh I didn't know that Esme was performing! She is so talented."

Mr. Snicket took off his hat and ran his fingers through his brown hair. "I wouldn't say that. Wait-- Squalor? Since when was her last name Squaler?"

She shrugged. "I heard that she got engaged to someone. Jeron or something like that."

Lemony didn't need to be told the first name of the fiancé that had supposedly asked Esme's hand. He knew. Squalor was the name of Jerome Squalor, a personal friend of his brother Jacques. He could never imagine Jerome being happy marrying the book-throwing Esme.

He took the tickets and put on his hat, ready to leave. Heading for the door he stopped and looked at Eleanora once again. "Thanks for--"

Like I have said there are polite people who knock and open the door when called upon. While there are people who are rude and don't knock. They just slam the door open without looking or knocking. I'm sorry to say that the mail keeper in the _Daily Punctilio_ building was not polite and the door of Eleanora Poe's office slammed open and bashed into Mr. Snicket so hard he fell over with a small cry of surprise and the not-so-unusual cry of "Ow!"

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Jacques Snicket waited in the car. An old black Ford that he enjoyed. He saw his brother come out of the building holding his nose. Jacques unlocked the car.

Lemony sat in the passengers seat. "Did you get the tickets?" Asked Jacques.

Lemony went through one of his trench coat pockets and handed his brother the tickets. Jacques looked at them. "Esme _Squalor_? So, he did go through with it." He shook his head.

Lemony let go of his nose. "You knew about them?"

"Oh come on, they went on _one_ date!"

When one decides to get married you have to think about your future. For instance if you were a person who was a clown for a living and enjoyed it and you proposed to a person whom was afraid of clowns then you may have a problem. If you have gone on one date does not mean you know enough about the person to ask for him or her to be with you forever.

"Well, you know how Jerome doesn't like to argue." Said Lemony.

Jacques nodded. "And why is she in _The World is Quiet Here_? I liked the first actress better."

"So did I. What was her name?"

"I think it was Beatrice. Beatrice Quagmire."

**TBC...**

**A/N:** Yep, definite spoilers for _The Unauthorized Autobiography_. Anyway, this is the beginning of the mentioning of Beatrice. A reminder that this is _not_ written by Lemony Snicket. Someone else. Who do you think it is?


	4. Chapter Three

**Conspiracy Theories**

_By Tuba321_

**A/N:** This is for A Series of Unfortunate Events. I love the series. In the main plot my favorite character would be Klaus. But in the long run of ASOUE I _love_ the ramblings of Lemony Snicket. So this is dedicated to him. I call this the miserable tales of Lemony Snicket.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the rights to ASOUE. But I have the rights to write about it. So, this would be me: Having the rights to write within my own rights.

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**CHaPteR ThRee**

**I**f you have had a friend and known that person for years, it is likely that you trust that person with your life. We expect the people we love to not harm us. Unfortunately, even the people we love can turn on us. Recently a very close associate of mine turned on me to pursue a life of acting and dancing to a variety of horrid songs.

If that person makes a mistake you want to speak out and tell them what has gone wrong. Sometimes they say "Oh I'm sorry" and drop it. While, others say "I don't care!" and laugh evily. An example of the first one would be Beatrice, and the second would be either Esme or Olaf. You choose.

Lemony knocked on the door. He needed to return a very important object to a friend. That friend? Well--

"What?!" Came the voice from behind the door.

"Delivery!" Called Lemony.

"Come in."

He walked in the open door and handed the object to his friend. "Thanks for the box of marbles. The tournament was in need of about fifty more then we had."

His friend took the box. "I still don't get why you need to have a marble contest."

Lemony shrugged. "We get bored."

"Oh."

Checking his watch, Lemony looked at his friend. "I have to go." He said.

"Where to?"

"Oh for my job. _The World is Quiet Here_."

"Interesting. Esme Squalor is in it... Well, bye."

"Bye." Said Lemony and headed for the door and left.

I'm sorry that I interrupted my own explanation. I wanted you to see the difference between then and the time in Mr. Snicket's books. I have said there are friends who make bad decisions. Everyone of us have them. Mr. Snicket's bad-decision friend was unfortunately-- Count Olaf.

**TBC...**

**A/N:** I need longer chapters... This is important though. I do know for a _fact_ that Lemony at least knew Olaf before he went evil. So, this is based on that.


End file.
